I have very thin skin. The least little question about
integrity or a disagreement really gets to me. I have entertained thoughts of
entering local politics; however, given this aspect of my character, I doubt if
I could survive any sort of character questioning. Immediately I am on the defensive and entertain
thoughts of retaliation. It makes no difference whether allegations have any
merit or not, I go on the defense, my heart rate increases, I become sarcastic
and cynical—all reactions that seem to verify guilt. All this became apparent
Letting go and trusting is others is against my instincts.
Trusting in God is even harder because, of course, we cannot see or even prove
that God exists. Faith in an unseen Spirit, a concept of others’ preaching is a
real stretch. My recovery from addiction is perhaps proof that there is a God
in my life and it is dangerous for my sobriety to question—but I do. “Let go
and let God” is an overused AA cliché that I too have used on occasion, but, if
I think too much, find it hard to truly believe. Lesson being: Don’t think too
much about some things.