Oh right, computers and the plethora of electronic devices that are available allow us to do more. Or, is that buy more? I've invested in a Kindle, thinking that I’ll read more because the device does nothing more than display text from formatted books—no e-mail or Web surfing. I have not even received my “new generation” device, however, I have spent upwards of an hour browsing Kindle titles and adding them to my “wish list”—such a time saver.
I find it curious that I do not own a Smart Phone device. What does that say about my intelligence? I like to think it means that I’m smart enough without a phone that parrots that virtue. Fact is it may have more to say about my age rather than intelligence. Most Smart Phone owners don’t fondly remember a time before devices that are as mundane as cell phones and personal computers!
And just why do I want to read more and what will a Kindle do for me? After all, my passion is writing. I am curious about e-publishing—the wave of the future? There is a huge variety of titles in Kindle form, but just a fraction of print books. So, perhaps there is a niche there for me, that is if I have anything worthwhile to say, and can take time from away from my timesaving electronic devices/toys to actually write.
BTW, happy birthday, Martha!

I am trying a different approach, however with similar results. So, I’m not paddling this weekend in an effort to connect with what’s inside, but I have been awful busy going to meetings, walking dogs and buying stuff—watch, Kindle. Inside, there’s a guy trying to reinvent and reshape, trying desperately to move form mundane unhappiness toward observation and understanding.
My motivation is easy in hindsight—removed from the day, the more clear my motivation. However, day to day, it’s almost impossible to rise above. Even when I recognize what is pushing me, changing course is difficult. Slow motion self-destruction is painful.
If I was a fictional character, how would I describe me? He is tall, head and shoulders above most—he feels that he is on display. He usually wears a smile; however, it does not reflect what he’s feeling. He adds to conversation when he is comfortable. However, under pressure and in difficult situations he does not have a lot to say—clams up. The voices of fear and doubt raise internal voices and take his tongue. If pressed to open up or answer pointed questions when stressed, he will invariably shift attention to someone else who is an easy blame target in his eyes. The shift includes ridicule and is cutting and relentless. He rarely admits that he does not know the answers.
Move in a different direction, change, and think objectively/spiritually.

I am continually trying to make order and sense out of people places and things that defy order leads to frustration and, yes despair. The Serenity prayer is so easy to say, but “the wisdom to know the difference” between things that can be controlled and those beyond anybody’s control, especially mine, is not so clear in the moment.
So, on the 9/11 anniversary our collective desire to make order and sense of the tragedy leads many voices to place blame on those who look like the few that caused such pain. It draws us into the confused mindset that started it. By doing so, we admit defeat and desire only retribution on faceless people that we refuse to see as people with possibilities and that have limitations just like ours. We cling to our flags and twist our patriotic ideals.

Once again, I’m sitting in my office with all the same old mundane sounds—hot water heater fan, hum of air conditioning, and chatter of people in the “big room.” I’m hypnotized by it all and it feeds “quiet desperation.” I am not fully awake yet not sleeping, pushing through the malaise of Friday, and cannot wait to come to life away from here. Spending most of our time in this situation leads to bizarre behavior—pushing back, grasping at perceived control, trying to manage the unmanageable.
Last night I dreamed I was climbing down a waterfall, trying to fight the push of the flow, not wanting to be swept to the bottom. I wanted to reach that point on my own terms. However, in the light of day, I’m not sure why I was headed to the bottom. Was it my choice of direction?

What makes us do the weird, crazy stuff that we often do on a regular basis? I justify myself by making up grand spiritual aspirations which, in truth, are a load of shit that I use to convince myself and those around me that I am not the self-centered and self-gratifying person that I am. My AA program seeks to move us toward caring and giving to others—not working.
One of weird, crazy things that I love to justify is whitewater paddling. I go to great lengths to romanticize the sport/pastime. Yes, it is exhilarating and a great way to spend free time. But I really want to make more of it.
Mystery
The mystery of moving water and what moves over, on, and under it keeps many of us transfixed. We search for places where the Spirit is strong, saying nothing of this to one another. Nonetheless, we feel it and see it occasionally in each other’s eyes. We seek strong fast water and convince ourselves that we have the power to glide gracefully over it and avoid the places that can draw us under and keep us.
We must think we are gods of sorts, but truth be told, we egg each other on and to push our limits. This is good, in a way, because we grow in paddling strength and confidence. That is until we are reminded by the river that we are indeed human. The river slaps and takes us down a notch or two. But to save face, we are drawn back to try it again and again until we succeed and again convince ourselves and perhaps those around us that we are stronger than the river and that we are the alpha paddler. What a load of mystery/shit.
Copyright © 2009 Mark Holmberg. All rights reserved.

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Six paddlers took a day off form work on Thursday, December
11 and headed to the Cartecay
River: Mike Kellis, Jeff
Salembier, Don Robertson, Jeff and David (last names unknown), and me—Mark
Holmberg. We put on at Lower
Cartecay Road about 1 PM. The rain that graced North Georgia for two days had just stopped and the sun
broke through the clouds. The river was at a great level and rising.  

Several of the rapids looked much different at the
relatively high water level today (3’+) compared to recent low level runs.
S-Turn had an intimidating wave in the normal line; however, an easy over the
ledge line on river right was open. There was a large hole on the upper right
side of Whirlpool along with a wave on river left. A large tree across the
river just above Blackberry
Falls was a new obstacle.
There are openings on extreme river right and left just large enough to allow boats
to pass. The tree is visible from a distance; however be careful here. Finally,
a large wave—3’ to 4’—at the bottom of the falls filled my canoe to the gunwales.

It was great to see water in the Cartecay for a change. I
couldn’t help but imagine that Jay Srymanske’s spirit was with us on the river
today.