I’ve been away for a while. It’s easy to get out of the
habit of visiting daily. I just get lazy.

Jack continues to have problems. Martha may be his biggest
problem. He’ll grow out of given many years. Rachel may grow out of her problem
with me given many years also. Rachel worries me. She seems to be a nocturnal
person—sleeps all day, up all night. Something’s going on.?

So Cindy has decided to exercise. We’ll join Health Place—hope
she’ll find motivation there.

I’ve had a difficult time focusing. There are too many
distractions. Writing is too easy to postpone. It’s easier to read a story than
to write one. It’s even easier to read about writing a story than to write
one—this seems to complicate actually doing it. I have become terribly
self-concise about the literary content of my writing—about having something
profound to say. I need to head Annie Lamont’s advice to simply write a shitty
first draft. I won’t write anything shitty unless I write.

Story ideas:

Feed the Machine—institutions,
government, businesses tend to take on a life or their own, demanding to be
fed.

Continually Questioning
My Ability—what have I done lately? I know I have done
good things in the past, but maybe there all a fluke—the game’s up, they
realize I’m an incompetent imposter. These thoughts kept me on the edge of
fear. Not a comfortable place—drinking/drugs eased the pain. Reliance on
faith—on the unseen and unexplainable—they say is a better way. The fear is
still there—no escaping it now

Procrastination, fear, anger… Anger, fear. Making a start,
to begin. Energy is drawn from me. Too many distractions—drink, don’t drink,
don’t drug forget it, maintain contact, and loose it. Focus on the free track.
Leave the rut and the things that bind—free my mind. The mind that has been
side tracked, bound, imprisoned, that is too narrow without imagination. Too
old? Save myself form that which takes my energy—my imagination. Where am I? Where
have I gone? Am I worth finding? I certainly hope there’s something there.
That’s part of the fear—the anger hides the fear. Those I am most angry with
are the most like me. Where is my soul in all this mess I call my life? Money,
or lack there of. Important things—family, freedom happiness—where did they go.
Choices I made took them away or at least made them less important. Work takes
a great deal of energy and provides money in return. Self esteem is directly related
to money. Money is necessary to love/live. Could not survive without… pursuit takes
away a part of me. There was a time I felt good about work—when I was, perceived
that I was in control. Control: a dirty word per the “program” but is directly
related to ego in the secular. Spiritual—ok to not be in control. Since I have
not been successful with control—I put value on the spiritual. A worthy pursuit
or simply default? Fear there…freedom choice. The recent election produces
fear, loss of freedom, anger frustration. Need a bigger weapon to beat the
Republicans over the head with—to show them how ignorant their violence is.
Digging a deeper and deeper hole, unaware that there are frustrated angry
people waiting to cover us. Don’t they  know we are vastly more
intelligent? The minds of the majority of Americans have been vaporized. TV is
a weapon—political weapon of mass destruction. Nobody is capable of thinking
for themselves, or wants to think for themselves. Blinded by anger and fear of
9/11. Flaying in the dark at what frightens us the most. Look at me, drawn to
secular—becoming angry and self righteous. Angry with the right/Christian
right. Where did they come from? They did not die off with Nixon—there I go
again. Knee jerk reaction. The stiff necks have made my neck stiff—renting
space in my head. Clear my head from negative crap—open to what’s buried in my
soul.

CITY
–community, population

            Pollution,
corrupt

                        Out
of control—heartless—cold

Interesting, entertaining, distracting

            Out there
but not wild, free

                        Kills
nature kills people

                                    Need