I’ve been away for a while. It’s easy to get out of the
habit of visiting daily. I just get lazy.
Jack continues to have problems. Martha may be his biggest
problem. He’ll grow out of given many years. Rachel may grow out of her problem
with me given many years also. Rachel worries me. She seems to be a nocturnal
person—sleeps all day, up all night. Something’s going on.?
So Cindy has decided to exercise. We’ll join Health Place—hope
she’ll find motivation there.
I’ve had a difficult time focusing. There are too many
distractions. Writing is too easy to postpone. It’s easier to read a story than
to write one. It’s even easier to read about writing a story than to write
one—this seems to complicate actually doing it. I have become terribly
self-concise about the literary content of my writing—about having something
profound to say. I need to head Annie Lamont’s advice to simply write a shitty
first draft. I won’t write anything shitty unless I write.
Feed the Machine—institutions,
government, businesses tend to take on a life or their own, demanding to be
My Ability—what have I done lately? I know I have done
good things in the past, but maybe there all a fluke—the game’s up, they
realize I’m an incompetent imposter. These thoughts kept me on the edge of
fear. Not a comfortable place—drinking/drugs eased the pain. Reliance on
faith—on the unseen and unexplainable—they say is a better way. The fear is
still there—no escaping it now
There is illness all around. Jack and his substance abuse, Martha, Sam. Look who’s talking—the king of dysfunction. We must keep our spirit alive to keep our
hearts from freezing. Actually, we must thaw ourselves. AA facilitates thawing.
The AA program is very simple. All that’s required is to change everything
about our lives—what’s left of them. We now feel pain and refuse medicate and
run from it. We also know we are not responsible for fixing what may be wrong
with others; but, we can facilitate healing.
My parents have no idea of my drug and alcohol abuse. Their
memory is short. Twenty-five to thirty years have erased a lot of shit.
I am caught up with making plans. Travel to new distant
places—a chance to be someone new. Travel has great possibilities, with some
fears. The biggest possibility is the greatest fear—to drink with impunity. I
don’t really want to or feel I need to, but it’s still a possibility. It’s a
possibility that could change my life—back to the old ways. A new job, drop out
of school, burry the spirit that’s just now emerging. What a shame it could be.
My mom’s not feeling well—down in the back. Not a trivial
back ache, but debilitating pain. I pray for relief for her. She is depressed
because of the chronic pain. She said: I’m
just tired of the pain. I cannot go on. I pray for her relief. The pain
should be managed.
So Jack is home! His stay at the Village was short. Again, I
pray for healing for Jack and his family. I know too well that family members
can force a tender situation to crisis. Healing is a long, slow, painful, and
delicate process. It’s imperative to make a beginning, and to not slide back—a
matter of life and death. The start is necessary, but it cannot be an isolated
process. Jack needs to be a part of the extended family and the whole
Our children are sick. There’s an epidemic of depressions
and desperation. They don’t have hope. Seems their hearts are cold as stone.
takes a lot of love to keep you heart from turning to stone…I feel nothing
unless it cuts me to the bone.
takes a lot of love, it tates a lot of love just to get by—my oh my you know.
When I am fearful my focus
fades. I loose it. Doubt wins. The evil corrosive thread running through all I
do chokes serenity. When I need it the most focus fades.
Rachel struggles with just the same thing. She, like me, can
feel closed in and fear if insurmountable. When we need focus the most, it’s
takes a lot of love, it takes a lot of love my friend, just to get by—my oh my
Laugh at ourselves—if we don’t we just may cry. What’s so
damn serious that we cannot laugh? When I need it the most, laughter is hard to
come by. Laughter, at times mocks. There’s no solace. Feed my spirit that’s free from the fear and
smug self of me. Keep the laughter alive—keep me alive. Step away from fear,
pain, and darkness. Step into the light—lighten up—lighten us. Carrying burdens
and excess baggage takes precious energy and robs our freedom. Freedom gives
simplicity. Step away from all you’ve thought you wanted and worked
for—sacrificed freedom for. Made yourself and all you’ve dragged with you
miserable for. Step away from fear—leave behind anger. Open the door and step
Procrastination, fear, anger… Anger, fear. Making a start,
to begin. Energy is drawn from me. Too many distractions—drink, don’t drink,
don’t drug forget it, maintain contact, and loose it. Focus on the free track.
Leave the rut and the things that bind—free my mind. The mind that has been
side tracked, bound, imprisoned, that is too narrow without imagination. Too
old? Save myself form that which takes my energy—my imagination. Where am I? Where
have I gone? Am I worth finding? I certainly hope there’s something there.
That’s part of the fear—the anger hides the fear. Those I am most angry with
are the most like me. Where is my soul in all this mess I call my life? Money,
or lack there of. Important things—family, freedom happiness—where did they go.
Choices I made took them away or at least made them less important. Work takes
a great deal of energy and provides money in return. Self esteem is directly related
to money. Money is necessary to love/live. Could not survive without… pursuit takes
away a part of me. There was a time I felt good about work—when I was, perceived
that I was in control. Control: a dirty word per the “program” but is directly
related to ego in the secular. Spiritual—ok to not be in control. Since I have
not been successful with control—I put value on the spiritual. A worthy pursuit
or simply default? Fear there…freedom choice. The recent election produces
fear, loss of freedom, anger frustration. Need a bigger weapon to beat the
Republicans over the head with—to show them how ignorant their violence is.
Digging a deeper and deeper hole, unaware that there are frustrated angry
people waiting to cover us. Don’t they know we are vastly more
intelligent? The minds of the majority of Americans have been vaporized. TV is
a weapon—political weapon of mass destruction. Nobody is capable of thinking
for themselves, or wants to think for themselves. Blinded by anger and fear of
9/11. Flaying in the dark at what frightens us the most. Look at me, drawn to
secular—becoming angry and self righteous. Angry with the right/Christian
right. Where did they come from? They did not die off with Nixon—there I go
again. Knee jerk reaction. The stiff necks have made my neck stiff—renting
space in my head. Clear my head from negative crap—open to what’s buried in my
Interesting, entertaining, distracting
but not wild, free
nature kills people